I’ve always had a tumultuous relationship with food. As explained during the last blog I probably have a food related eating problem. I use the word problem to avoid the use of disorder 

Disorder would suggest my problem is unmanaged or out of control. Whilst not perfect I don’t consider it out of control in fact it is the level of control that people would view as strange but it works for me and I am healthy. A lot more healthy than I used to be so where’s the problem?

I’m being slightly glib but honestly I have never felt as healthy as I do now. Not right now as I still have a tinge of the hangover from the weekend, but in general, as a 39 year old man. I am healthier and fitter than I have ever been and one of the reasons. If not the key reason, is my decision to become vegetarian 

Now the aim of this blog isn’t to convince everyone that they should be vegetarian. It’s a personal choice and I wouldn’t ever enforce my own views and opinions on others. This is merely me explaining my reasoning for going veggie and the benefits I have experienced. If it was to make someone think they might try it then great, if it makes someone fancy a bacon sandwich then that’s their choice

Over the last ten years at least, I haven’t been a huge meat eater but that was purely for the purpose of calorie control; or more specifically I could eat more if I wasn’t wasting so many calories on meat. Before then I didn’t have any restrictions over what went in my mouth. I was never a big fan of a steak but everything else, well the easiest way to describe it is everything else was too excess

Most recently I increased my visits to the gym and for the first time in my life decided to start using weights as something more than to keep the doors open. As a result of my minimal research I decided that chicken and weights went together like milk and cookies so every meal possible had chicken added to the recipe or sometimes I replaced all the ingredients with a whole chicken. I went full caveman sometimes and did away with plates and cutlery and ripped at a barbecued carcass with my bare hands – Obviously I didn’t catch the chicken myself unless strolling down aisle 6 in Asda with a trolley counts as modern day hunting?

Anyway essentially morning, noon and night I was eating chicken, for the gainz obviously…

I probably underestimated the impact this would have on me. Physically my body rebelled quite violently against the constant stream of meat products hurled at it. And when I say rebelled I mean it expelled it back out as quickly, regularly and at times violently as possible 

At first I thought, it’s ok. Your body needs time to get used to any new routine. It’ll sort itself out

After a couple of months the problem hadn’t subsided so I decided to do more in-depth research( a 5 minute google) and was alarmed to see it was normal. That it would be something I would just have to get used to without change rather than my body making subtle changes to manage my dietary devolution 

And then once the internet black hole has been opened I decided to dive a little deeper

Effects eating meat has on your body?

Can your stomach digest meat?

What does supermarket meat have in it?

Mass production of meat

Supermarket farming methods

Then onto YouTube for a bit 

Supermarket meat

Mass production of meat

Cowspiracy 

Carnage

Impact the meat industry is having on the environment 

Back to google 

Best diet for a healthy life style 

Vegetarian diet options 

And like that, in the space of 2 hours I’d had one of those life changing experiences. It was honestly like one of those life bulb moments. A realisation that I had spent so many years enabling something so horrific simply through my own selfishness. 

I obviously knew where meat came from. I’m not that naive or stupid to not get that bit but I didn’t have any idea of the scale involved, the levels of cruelty and the catastrophic effect on our environment that went with it and all to satisfy our own greed

I promised this wouldn’t become preachy but even if you think you know what happens just look a bit harder, watch carnage or conspiracy. Take an hour to think about it

If after that you are ok to carry on eating meat then ok, how about at the least reduce the amount you eat each week – What’s the worst that could happen?

For me the impact was instantaneous. The feeling of making a difference, however small has improved my wellbeing. Not that I was aware in the past that my wellbeing was significantly diminished by my carnivorous nature but now through making a change I can notice the difference 

It’s almost a visible lift in my stature. I walk taller, a bounce in my step..

And my health has improved or at least the things that I appropriate as signs of good health – I sleep better, I have more energy, my general mood is better, my toilet habits are less apocalyptic 

And I enjoy food more. I appreciate flavours. I explore new foods. 

I’m not saying I am perfect – I would love to have the self control to be vegan, dietary at least

All of my reading makes me realise that the practices of the majority of the dairy industry are even more abhorrent than in the meat business and everything tells me that I should give up milk and cheese etc and I wish I had an excuse that stood up to questioning but the truth is I’m being lazy – I try to make vegan choices where possible but when it’s not possible or should I say when the alternative is for example a black coffee then I show no will power whatsoever and crumble to their offer of normal milk. 

I’m a terrible human being and I know that vegans across the globe will be shaking their heads with disgust but I have started the journey. I have made a change for the better, for me and for the animal world

If it is down to a mid life crisis then at least I’m channelling the crisis for good rather than the ridiculous things other nearly 40 year olds have splurged the cash on over the years

You can keep your supercars or speedboats –

I choose broccoli rice and beetroot burgers

A few months ago I started to write a blog about my weird foibles. Long story short I never posted it because it made me sound like I was a complete basket case

Let me clarify that quickly so you don’t judge me, although if you’ve read my blog posts so far you’ve probably already come to a few conclusions about me already; some of them fair I’d say….

Anyway to summarise that blog quickly I have a number of habits or some would say obsessive compulsions in certain areas. None of these I would have described as being too severe individually but collectively perhaps it would suggest I’m a little bit weird

I guess it’s only fair to give you an example of these. I would add that since writing them down for the first time I have made a conscious effort to break the habits as often as possible however more often than not I will probably return to these default learned behaviours when not actively trying to stop myself

Anyway, in no particular order although one of them does involve numbering I will start:

1. Socks always go on last – I have tried to change this one but it just feels wrong
2. Odd numbers unnerve me. As an example when turning the volume up it has to be to an even number – This goes for list making so I’ll either stop now or share at least 2 more…
3. Slightly linked to the last one. I don’t like having loose change in my pockets – This is because I don’t like not knowing how much money I have on me. If I have change I will keep recounting it just to check and this becomes a little unmanageable if I’m honest 😳
4. I’m forcing myself to stop there 😬😬

So after reading back the original blog I started to question my own sanity firstly but then began to explore what it is about my personality that has led me to develop these habits 

Habits being the key phrase. Some people call them obsessions or addictions but on reflection I am prone to developing habits that I will routinely repeat. 

These can be good or bad. 

Which in my head relates to the health implications of the particular habit; I haven’t considered until now the effect my habits have on others or even the wider effects the habits that I consider healthy have had or continue to have on my wellbeing

An example of one which isn’t the repetition of one specific activity but it highlights my natural instinct to adopt habits throughout the course of my life so far and it’s probably the ‘habit’ that has had the greatest overall impact, positive and negative throughout my life so far

Food has always played a big part in my life. When I was younger I remember when I received my first wage my first thought was planning the takeaways I could buy. I would meticulously plan the week ahead; McDonald’s on a Wednesday(Big Mac meal and 2 cheeseburgers), Chinese on a Friday(Sweet & Sour chicken, House special fried rice and prawn crackers), Indian on a Sunday (Chicken tikka masala, vegetable pilau rice, plain naan, 3 papadums)

This would happen every week for as long as I can remember and played a huge part in my severe weight gain during my later teenage years and one that continued when I left home and was responsible for providing for myself. 

No breakfast, bacon sandwich and a bar of chocolate at break time, Greggs for lunch(sandwich and a pastie) and a bar of chocolate, Burger King after work, takeaway and chocolate for tea, all washed down throughout the day with full fat Coca Cola

Every day, repeated for at least two years

My habitual personality however eventually was a huge enabler for my weight loss. 

The routine and preparation required to stick to a long term diet plan suited me, in hindsight it was probably the adoption and maintaining of a routine I was ‘obsessed’ with rather than in this particular example the food I was consuming. 

None the less putting together a weekly food plan and sticking to it was a familiar thing. Only now I was making better choices and it worked, it really worked

My bad habits had taken me from a very active, fairly talented(If I say so myself) young sportsman to an unmotivated, inactive, socially reclusive, morbidly obese twenty something year old

Channelling this personality trait positively had transformed me into a fit,healthy, highly motivated soon to be married 25 year old 😁

On the downside having experienced the personal implications of both ends of the dietary spectrum my propensity to adopt habits has triggered an area of my brain and I now only see food as a means to an end, fuel to sustain an existence and I very rarely enjoy a meal without overthinking the calorie intake or how I balance out one meal with another later in the week – It is a tiresome thing and I often think back to a time when eating food wasn’t such a chore, such halcyon days…

This particular habit has the danger of becoming unhealthy to me personally and I am sure some would argue it already has and there is a medical diagnosis that describes my ‘symptoms’ but I maintain a healthy weight and I make it work for me – The impact on loved ones and others around me has been probably greater than I cared to admit in the past.

My food habits have at times restricted my social interactions, not that I would ever not go out to avoid eating; I do go out but I avoid eating or drinking unless I have made allowances for it in my week. Which again is hugely tiring for me and my family who are aware of it; again I make it work for me. I consider that the healthier approach than the alternative which I guess is the fear that I fall back into the habit at the other end of the scale which affected my teenage years

The lesser of two evils I guess is the way I compartmentalise things which again is probably a common trait of people with a particular medical problem. 

That isn’t me trying to downplay this habit or imply I’m in complete control of it. I’m not and I don’t but over the last year or so I have become a lot more comfortable in my own skin which has allowed me to become more relaxed which sounds great on the face of things but digging down a bit deeper the realisation is that I have reached this with the adoption of more habits

Again I see these as positive habits. 

Firstly I have increased my levels of exercise. At least 4 times a week. This isn’t a new thing as I’ve been keeping fit since initially losing weight when I trained for my first half marathon; I have continued to be a regular runner but found this to be very time consuming and the mental toughness to drag yourself out onto the streets at all hours was all consuming so again for my sanity and that of my family I have explored other forms of exercise. The current one of choice is HIIT or boot camps which I find really enjoyable and gives me a total body workout as opposed to the cardio focused running. Also it pushes me into social interaction with others rather than the isolation of road running

Secondly I am vegetarian now. Actually I’m a failed dietary vegan or should I say I aspire to be dietary vegan and some time soon I will make sure that’s another habit I adopt. For now exercise and a healthy diet have helped me reach a good balance and offered me a level of control that had been considerably lacking over the last few years and in all honesty allowed me to focus on the things that are much more important than when I put my socks on or how much loose change I’ve got in my pockets

I’m not claiming to be perfect, far from it. But right now I couldn’t be happier

And as habits go that’s by far the best one so far….

Sat on a train trying to work out a sensible order for the blog posts. They are in the first instance planned to be a reflection/evaluation of past memories and experiences in the hope that this leads me to understand the person I am now and assess my readiness for becoming the grown up that I assume I should be when I turn 40

In reality they will no doubt end up as the meandering musings of a guy who spends to much time travelling the country by train, too much time on my hands and without the simple social skills to be able to or want to have a conversation with the person next to me

Which leads me to wonder what is it that makes me that way?

I am not shy by any stretch of the imagination but I don’t initiate conversation with strangers, to be honest in some circumstances I don’t even talk to friends

At work I’m the complete opposite although a manager once told me I wasn’t a people person. Which I dispute but there is obviously something about my personality that made her come to that conclusion…

So is there something from my childhood I can attribute to this?

I remember as a child having a problem saying certain words and often struggling to get a sentence out. I’m not sure if it would be considered a stutter but there was something that made me stumble over words as I spoke

I vaguely remember some level of speech therapy but I’m not sure if that is a true memory. It may just have been a teacher that offered me help and over time I’ve built that up to be bigger than it actually was

That being said it’s still a problem that persists even now. Not in a stutter specifically although when faced with someone with a pronounced stutter I have in the past found myself mirroring them with some level of sympathy stutter. 

It’s like if you pair up people with Tourette’s they will set off one another’s ticks. Not to the same extreme level but there must be something lying semi dormant within my brain that picks up on their stutter. Thankfully it’s never been taken as me openly mocking them 

As a child I can’t recall being a talker. My kids will talk from the moment they wake till the moment they eventually fall asleep. A trait they get from their mother and that’s a good thing don’t get me wrong

They incessantly ask questions, they always want to know stuff and that is great to see. It can be very annoying when you’re tired but it would never be something I would want them to stop as much as I roll my eyes when my son asks questions like:

‘If you were a professional rugby player which team would you play for ?’

I don’t even play amateur rugby so playing in a professional capacity is a huge leap by any stretch of the imagination but I love the fact that his mind is always whirring, processing information and thinking of as many questions as possible to strengthen his understanding. 

Again it’s a trait I have at work, perhaps that’s why I don’t ask too many questions at home. I am much more likely to accept stuff at face value in my personal life than at work

I’m not sure if that’s a good thing but it hasn’t got me into too much trouble so far….

But I do think that is part of the reason why people think I am not a people person. It’s not that I don’t care enough to ask questions but sometimes I just don’t care enough to ask questions 

Let me clarify what I mean. Sometimes the inane conversations that people have day to day make me want to rip my own eye balls out of my head and for that reason there are occasions when I will choose not to engage.

I can read the prompts from people when it’s clear they want to talk but I don’t want to so I don’t…

Does that make me a bad person. I’m not rude; not directly anyway but on reflection me feeling like I can pick and choose when I talk to people like my time is far too important makes me sound like a complete narcissistic arsehole

Let me pause on that thought for a second and consider it again…..

Nope. Still feel like an arsehole!!

Can I point at my linguistic languidity as a child as some kind of an excuse or at least a partial explanation?

Yes I still struggle in certain situations. I will still trip over sentences or struggle to recall words that had been on the tip of my tongue only seconds earlier but at work I am a confident speaker. I will happily address crowds of varying numbers with little to no preparation so the ability is there within but there is something in my personality that makes the choice to at times avoid human interaction 

I even do it with phone calls. I would always text in the first instance

Maybe because this allows me to control the conversation. Is this me trying to remove the likelihood of having to embark on a conversation that I have little to no interest in having

As I write I’m considering whether this is because I only talk to people when I want something or if I want to tell them something that is important to me. Again another realisation that perhaps I am more selfish than I had first considered

Maybe I’m not a people person…

This is definitely not the grown up that I should be or would ever want to be. As a parent you always want to make sure you teach your kids the right way but definitely in this case I should be taking the lead from my children 

I may be nearly 40 but I have definitely not reached my limit in terms of what I can learn. From adults but also perhaps at times from the younger generations 

It’s never too late to change. To be the best version of yourself that you can be

I know that human interaction is a wondrous thing. There are countless things to learn from a word with a friend or a conversation with a stranger. The ability to listen is a forgotten art. In current times especially everyone has an opinion on everything. 

Knowledge is power but ignoring alternative views will only give you a one sided view of the world

So taking the lead from my children I will force myself to step out of my comfort zone before I become a stuck in my ways middle age man

Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop……

In Alice in Wonderland that may have been a reply from the king to a question posed by a white rabbit but from the point of considering how to formulate these ‘blogs’ it seems as good a piece of advice as any

So the beginning. Obviously there is a beginning and an obvious one at that as there is with every new life but from my perspective I have no recollection of that as any kind of a beginning so am probably better placed to start this story at the point of my earliest memories 

This again is a strange one. I have memories from childhood but as you get older it’s hard to differentiate between the things you really remember and the things you have seen in photos or other mediums and have then heard the stories recounted by family and friends or even the things that you have just made up over time and now convinced even yourself that it happened

I think these are actual memories but without the ability to travel in time and hold a conversation with myself I am not 100% sure but this potential solution presents time paradox implications that risk confusing the issue even more so I’ll park that possibility and save the creation of a time travel machine till another day and focus my mind on the matter in hand; which was…..

Earliest memories of course.

My reasoning for this exercise(Yes I know I lack focus and the structure of this blog is chaotic at best) is to try to pinpoint early events, experiences etc that have made me into me, what ever me is or am?

What I am or what I is??

Anyway I am rambling, which is a regular occurrence to be honest but I put that down to my crazy aunt from Eastern Europe.

She lived in a one bedroom house with her 7 children who she numbered instead of named, not one to seven as you would expect but random numbers apart from two whom she decided to call both by the same sequence of numbers. I believe it was her bank account PIN number again to aid her own memory skills but no one ever had the heart to ask

I think that ones a real memory from my past. It explains a lot so must be true….

Anyway to be serious. I was born in South London. The first child, the oldest and obviously most important of the 3 boys

I enjoyed a happy and active childhood that was focused around my love of sport. Particularly football. Apparently as early as I could walk I would carry a football wherever I toddled

My footballing teammates across the years will be wondering why that hasn’t translated to a better footballer than the distinct averageness of my abilities that can still be witnessed on the odd Sunday at a Sunday league pitch in Durham.

What can I say. I agree with you all and I am sorry for the disappointment you have experienced at my hands or should I say feet

Aside from that; I can see that football and sport in my early and formative years played a key part in who I am now as a man and a parent. Sport can play an integral part in an individuals development and provides environments to connect people from all walks of life that perhaps wouldn’t have found common ground otherwise.

In addition I strongly believe that a fit, strong body translates to a fit, strong mind. Exercise and sporting activity can provide a much needed stress relief from the busy world and I am a huge advocate for using sport and exercise as an enabler for strong mental health. I am not saying it’s the magic bullet that solves all problems but it works for me.

Both my children take part in as much group sport as can be packed into a week and they love it. I love that they love it and it has even boosted my love of these sports and increased my participation levels and had a really positive effect on my relationship with my kids.

For this I thank my parents. For all the hours they spent ferrying me and my brothers to different sporting events. For putting up with all the incessant questioning, the rainy, snowy days when it would have been so much easier to stay in the house.

That has sparked a memory, which I think is real. I am almost 100% sure for the most part it is accurate

My Grandparents lived in Streatham and there was a dust covered football pitch within walking distance of their home. Growing up we used to visit regularly.

Visiting at least every Sunday for dinner and ice cream and to watch snooker on the telly with my Grandad are vivid regular memories but one such Sunday after already playing little league earlier in the day; I obviously as we all did as a kid was still wearing my kit and was desperate to practice my heading. I think I’d missed a headed chance that morning so wanted to recreate the moment to try and make sure it didn’t happen again

My two brothers weren’t as keen. My dad; never one to turn down the opportunity to play football or to talk me through each and every one of the twenty odd career goals he had scored already had the football under his arm and was halfway out of the door.

But we needed a goalkeeper. It wouldn’t work without a goalkeeper. My brothers remained glued to the snooker. Stephen Hendry versus Jimmy White I think and would not turn down the opportunity for extra ice cream

Step forward my dear Grandma. She already had her coat on. She used to watch Fulham as a young girl and had clearly played the goalkeeper role with her two sons when they were growing up.

Minutes later my Dad was flying down the right wing, he whipped in a perfect cross. I timed my run from the edge of the penalty box perfectly; the cross had the right amount of dip and I connected with a text book header

Into the ground first just as the Peter Beardsley video had taught me. Towards the left corner of the goal

The net was ready to bulge. It looked for all the world that I had dismissed the demons of that miss on the morning

Step forward my dear Grandma. Like Gordon Banks she threw herself towards the ball. Fingertips outstretched, unbelievably she steered the goal bound ball around the post

I collapsed to my knees

The crowd went absolutely crazy.

My Grandma jumped up brushed the dust from her knees; a huge smile on her face

‘Your turn to go in goal now’

If I take one thing from my parents and indeed their parents it is their commitment to enabling their children’s sporting dreams; and as I approach 40 questioning my readiness for ‘adulthood’ if putting your children’s priorities before your own is a sign of being a responsible grown up then I would hope that my children would agree that is one box I can tick ✅

Writing a blog seems on like quite a self conceited exercise. What is so special about me that would mean complete strangers for the most part would voluntarily read my semi-regular musings?

On the face of it nothing. I’m not a special case. I may have some experiences, life lessons for want of a better word that people might latch on to as inspiration or perhaps as an example of what not to do.

Please don’t mistake my intentions though. I am in no way using this blog to highlight my stories as a beacon for lost souls or as a ‘How to guide’. In reality these are the words of a 38 year old male who still hasn’t decided what he wants to be when he grows up; sounds a little glib and contrite but for the most part it’s true. I am an extremely happy husband to a beautiful wife, father of two gorgeous children and semi successful in employment terms in the profession that selected me. 

I choose that turn of phrase as I work at the same place as I did after leaving full time education. Twenty years after starting that short term contract in the big city, I am now what you could call a career Civil Servant. It’s not a term that I am embarrassed by or makes me feel any less proud of what I have achieved since leaving school with little to no education whatsoever but it is what it is. Will I be sat at retirement age, whenever that may be still wearing that badge with pride, who knows. What I do know today is I am respected by my peers and recognised by my seniors as someone who is trusted and for now that is enough. Well the pay increases over the years have also gone along way to making it so but for the most part I am happy with my lot. 

At home, at work, in life. I am extremely happy. But with the impending threat of middle age looming in the not to distant future I am considering a few important and perhaps not so important questions 

Does this make me a grown up?

If yes, do I have to start dressing more age appropriate. Cut my hair, trim my beard?

Should I like wine now or am I allowed to admit that in all honesty most alcoholic drinks taste disgusting and I’d much rather a coffee or a Pepsi Max?

Why am I so forgetful?

Is it safe to say liking wrestling isn’t something I’m going to grow out of?

After 18 years in Durham shouldn’t I have a Northern accent by now?

When will I stop feeling like a fat guy in a skinny suit?

Will I ever pass my driving test?

Why am I so forgetful?

Is my chance of a professional football career definitely over?

Why am I so clumsy?

Should I buy a comfy pair of slippers now?

Am I fit for 40 or will I be forever a child in a mans body simply playing at being an ‘adult’?

This blog is my attempt to remember the past, reassess my experiences and the lessons I could have and probably should have learnt.

Am I the man I am now because of what has already happened or because of what is yet to happen?

At the heart of it my family are my everything and I will always strive to give them the best life and for that to be the case I need to be the best I can be. At home, at work. In life….

The world is filled with endless possibilities. Adventures to embark on no matter how big or small. 

Today is the first step of that journey forward but first I need to look back over the past. The happy memories, the painful ones. The uncomfortable and sometimes hilariously comical

This blog is my opportunity to reflect, to say ‘out loud’ the thoughts that normally stay unsaid or are translated into 140 characters or less on a Social Media platform. To tell a story or recount a memory from my past and to mentally prepare myself for the impending threat of middle age

Am I fit for 40?

Only time will tell…..

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton